Take This Sinking Boat (and Point it Home)
by IllyriatheSmurf7
Summary: She is losing herself. Nothing seems to hold matter anymore. She is drowning, slowly sinking in the depths of her pain. She doesn't know how to come up for air, and she doesn't want to. Or that's what she thinks. Until her gaze falls on a pair of blue eyes that hold the sky captive within them.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everybody! So, this is my first AU ever. It's a completely new experience for me, so I'm both nervous and excited. I hope you all enjoy it! If you read it, be sure to leave a comment to let me know your thoughts. They are always greatly appreciated! :)**

 **Here's chapter 1. Enjoy and review!**

"So... officer Woods..."

 _Detective. Detective Woods._ Lexa clenched her jaw hard but kept quiet. There was no use in correcting the shrink sitting in front of her, other than prolonging this torture. Plus, it really didn't matter anymore. Her life in the PD was nothing but a distant, painful memory.

"Would you like to talk about why we're here today?"

Lexa briefly looked up to meet the woman's eyes. It was like someone had taken every single stereotype about psychologists and had squeezed them inside Dr. Evans. Middle-age woman, mildly expensive suit, blonde hair up in a bun, glasses. Adding the notepad in her lap and the hint of a sympathetic smile then the scene was complete. She seemed to have come out straight from a Lifetime movie. The ones she would always make fun of with–

She froze. No. There was nothing to laugh about. She didn't even remember how to laugh anymore. Ages had passed since the last time she had genuinely smiled.

"Officer?" Dr. Evans called her again, when she failed to answer the first time. Lexa let out a soft sigh and slouched back into her chair.

"I'm here... because I was asked to come here. As a favor. That's all," she said flatly. She was still wondering why she had complied to Anya's request. Two minutes in, and she already knew nothing good was going to come out of this meeting.

"I see. So you think you don't need therapy, officer."

"You said it, not me." Lexa sighed, annoyed by the doctor's patronizing tone. "And stop calling me that. I'm not a cop anymore."

Dr Evans nodded. "Yes, that's true. Alright, Lexa. Can I call you Lexa?" The brunette stayed quiet, and the doctor just took her silence as an approval. "You believe you don't need this, but someone definitely does. Why do you think is that?"

Lexa looked away from the woman to stare at the floor. She didn't want to do this, she didn't want to answer. She didn't want to be there in the first place. She had gone through this so many times, always pointlessly. People went to therapy to get better, to fix something in their life that was damaged. But Lexa wasn't damaged. She was shattered. And nothing or no one would ever put the pieces back together.

"Has it something to do with your eye?" Lexa didn't even bother looking back at the doctor, but her hand instinctively went up to her left eye, fingers brushing the bruise that was finally starting to fade. She could go on with the silent treatment. Hell, she could walk away right now. But she had told Anya that she would try this time. She owed her that much.

"I... got into a fight a few days ago. Some drunk idiots." She avoided mentioning that she was one of them.

"What was the reason for that?"

Lexa tightened her teeth at the memory. "They said things– things I did not appreciate..."

 _She emptied her third glass of vodka, and gestured to the bartender for a refill. Her head was spinning and the familiar dizziness was rising._

 _"Can I buy you the next one, baby girl?" Above the music she heard a male voice addressing her. She glanced to her right to find a tall man hovering over her. From his glossy eyes and the slur in his voice it was clear that he was completely drunk._

 _"No, thanks. I'm good," she simply replied, taking her eyes away from him. But the man seemed to have no intention of backing off._

 _"Come on, don't be like this. Let me offer you a couple of drinks, let's just know each other. I'll drive you home after."_

 _"Yeah, he'll treat you like a princess!" Lexa turned around again, and saw two equally drunk men behind the guy who were laughing their asses off. Her annoyance at the situation was increasing by the second._

 _"I said no," she repeated firmly._

 _"Hey, I'm being nice to you. You could at least show some kindness." His tone was getting more aggressive now, and Lexa was done with the entire situation. She had come to the bar to empty her mind, not to deal with three wasted idiots. She gestured to the bartender for her bill, but that only seemed to anger the guy who was hitting on her._

 _"What, you're leaving now? You're too good for us? What is it, you have a boyfriend or something?"_

 _"Maybe she's on the other team, Trevor!" One of his friends slurred. She tried to ignore them._

 _"Nah, she's too hot to be a lesbian." They were talking like she wasn't even a person. Only an object to comment for their amusement._

 _"Or are you, though?" The one called Trevor addressed her again. "Are you into hotties? Do you have a pretty girlfriend waiting for you at home?" She was taking the money out of her bag, when his words reached her ears and she froze. Dark eyes filled with tears and pain flashed in her mind, and suddenly she was trembling._

 _Not now. Not now. Not now. She knew she was too drunk to restrain herself if things got worse. This couldn't happen now. She needed to go._

 _Grasping to that bit of control she still had left, Lexa left her money on the counter and got up, ready to leave. And in that exact moment, things did get worse._

 _"What a bitch, guys. She could really use someone to show her what a real man feels like..."_

 _The words resonated like a thunder, and blood started ringing in her ears, covering every sound, from the music to the people talking. Only those words remained, like an echo. Those words so painfully familiar. Horrifying images she wished she could forget passed before her eyes for an eternal second, and then she saw red._

 _The next thing Lexa felt was the bones of the man's nose cracking against her fist._

"Ms Woods? Lexa?"

Lexa blinked a couple of times, and looked up, only to find Dr. Evans staring at her with a worried expression. She realized that she probably had lost herself in the memory.

"Yes, uhm... yes. Anyways... I managed to get away before the police arrived and I got home. When Anya saw my face she freaked out. Said I needed help and asked me to come here. She said you were recommended to her."

"Anya as in Detective Anya Trimani?" Lexa nodded. "I've spoken with her. I collaborated with a few of her colleagues, that's probably how she found me. And tell me... you two live together?"

Another slow nod. "We didn't use to, but I moved in with her."

"Is there a reason for that? Convenience, friendship, financial means?"

"Yes, we are friends but..." Lexa paused for a moment, not sure if saying it or not, but in the end she took courage and blurted out the answer with the lowest voice possible.

"She is afraid... That I'm gonna try to kill myself."

Lexa glanced at Dr Evans from behind her lashes, observing the subtle changes in her expression. _Now we are getting somewhere._ That's what the doctor's face was telling. And yet, she didn't know why, Lexa could feel that there was something off about the woman sitting in front of her.

"I see..." Dr Evans said before writing something on her notepad. "And tell me, Lexa... would you say that Detective Trimani's concerns are justified?"

Once again, Lexa stared away into nothing. How could she answer to that question? _Yes_ , Anya was right to be worried, because there was nothing worth living for in her life. But also _no_ , because as tempting as it was to just end it all, she didn't deserve the easy way out.

She still hadn't given an answer, so the doctor decided to press her a little bit. But in her eagerness to make her patient open up, she made a mistake.

"Is it because you feel somewhat guilty?"

Lexa's entire body stiffened when she heard the question. She slowly turned her head towards the doctor, her gaze pure steel.

"What did you just say?" she hissed. No words were needed. The way Dr Evans' eyes widened and quickly stared down at the pad in her lap to pull herself together was a more than satisfying answer. Everything was clear now. And Lexa felt anger rising inside of her. If there was something that she absolutely could not stand was being treated like an idiot.

"Lexa–"

"You know..." Lexa interrupted her, her voice low, trembling, showing how much she was struggling with keeping it together. "You knew all along."

Since it was clear to the doctor that denying was useless, she simply let out a sigh and nodded.

"I told Anya that I needed to know your story to be able to help you. She only told me the essential, and–" Lexa raised her hand, gesturing her to stop talking. She was done with this bullshit. She had agreed with Anya to try and get help, and in return the woman had betrayed her. She was beyond pissed, and she had no intention of staying one minute more in that room.

"We're done here." She got up from the chair and collected her things, while Dr Evans uselessly tried to stop her.

"Ms. Woods, please calm down. We are trying to help you. You went through a very traumatic ordeal, and it is still affecting your life." Lexa just ignored her. She had heard those words a thousand times before. Nothing but set phrases, taken from textbooks. Nothing that she needed, or wanted.

"You are not fine, Lexa. You can't get better if you are stuck to that day. You can't improve if you don't process what happened to you and C–"

"Don't."

The growl that came out of her mouth was so threatening that Dr Evans got quiet and actually leaned back in her chair, almost trying to get away from her.

"Don't. Say. Her. Name. You know nothing. You don't get to talk about her."

As always, as any other time _she_ was mentioned, Lexa felt the scar on her side starting to hurt. A painful throbbing spreading through her torso, always reminding her of that night. As if she needed a reminder of the night her life had ended.

"You need help, Lexa..." the doctor repeated one last time. But the look of sympathy that spread on her face was the last straw for the ex detective.

"Fuck you..." she whispered. "And fuck me for agreeing to this."

No room for discussion anymore. She heard the doctor calling her name again, but she ignored her. She turned away and, without looking back, she walked out of the office. She slammed the door behind her so hard that the secretary outside the room jumped in her chair. Lexa didn't care. The woman, upset by her behaviour yelled at her. Lexa didn't care. Nothing around her mattered to her. All she could see was dark eyes full of tears and pain.

* * *

Lexa refused to go home. After that ambush, she had no intention of seeing Anya's face. Instead she took her bike and drove around the city. Or, to be more exact, she let her bike drive her. Through nameless streets and neighborhoods, her helmet isolating her from the sounds of the world. It was one of the few things that still managed to give her some peace. She felt disconnected, a floating spirit. But not today. Today nothing could calm her down. And the isolation provided by her helmet felt more like a curse than a blessing. It kept her stuck with her own thoughts, flashbacks. Horrors. Beautiful memories twisted into terrifying nightmares.

She drove for hours and hours, the dim light of the afternoon turning into the darkness of the night, while she tried to ignore the voices and images in her head, until she realized how useless it was. She didn't need distraction. She needed oblivion. So she did the only thing she knew would help. The first club she spotted, she stopped.

As soon as she entered, music and chaos hit her. The club was full, people chatting, drinking, and dancing. She immediately found a place at the counter and started ordering drink after drink, just like she had done the day of the fight.

Time became a meaningless concept as alcohol burned down her throat and her mind became progressively dizzier. At one point she became aware that the phone in her pocket was buzzing. She didn't even bother taking it out to check. She knew damn well who it was, and she had no desire to talk to her. Another drink was simply more appealing.

Lexa closed her eyes, trying to cut herself off from everything, focusing on the loud music and the heady, thick air that permeated the club.

 _"Would you stop it, please? I'm trying to finish this report," Lexa said, her voice lacking any sort of conviction._

 _"Me? I'm not doing anything..." the dark haired beauty replied with a chuckle, and the feeling of her hot breath tickling the skin of her neck sent a shiver down Lexa's spine._

 _"You, my beautiful detective, are just... too... easily... distracted..." She underlined every word with a kiss on the sensitive skin, and Lexa's eyes rolled back when she felt lips closing around her left lobe and teeth nipping at it lightly. A shaky sigh escaped from her mouth. She knew it in that moment: there was no way she would finish her report now._

 _"You..." she whispered as the girl behind her kept torturing her ear. "You are going to get me in so much trouble at work..."_

 _"And we don't want that, do we?" the brunette replied playfully, as her fingers started tracing patterns on Lexa's collarbone, only adding to her delicious agony._

 _"But you are right..." Lexa's eyes snapped open when all the touching stopped. "Duty first. So, I think I'll just leave y–"_

 _Before she could even finish the sentence, Lexa spun around in her swivel chair and pulled the teasing girl to her, making her fall in her lap._

 _"Don't you dare." Her voice was thick, throaty, a yearning growl, and the girl sitting on her legs smiled smugly, her wide, brown eyes shining with excitement and desire._

 _"I guess you're not as stoic as you want to be, uh detective?"_

 _Lexa wrapped one arm around her waist, and her free hand went up to cup her face. "Only with you..." she murmured, making the girl giggle. No sound could be more beautiful than that laugh, Lexa thought._

 _"Well, in that case, I just have to take advantage of my **incredible** luck..."_

 _She leaned forward and before Lexa could say anything, soft lips were pressed against hers in the gentlest of kisses._

Lexa snapped her eyes open, desperate to drive away the images. Nothing. Nothing worked.

"Shit, I need to sit down..."

Lexa's attention was suddenly caught by a low, slurry voice to her left. She turned her head and saw a girl with dark blonde hair in a way too short blue dress who had slumped in the chair next to hers. The woman almost threw herself on the counter and gestured vehemently at the bartender, yelling at him for a whiskey on the rocks. She was clearly drunk, probably even more than Lexa was.

The brunette must have been staring, because suddenly the stranger turned and met her gaze. Lexa immediately looked away, but the girl just let out a laugh.

"Oh fuck, was I too loud? I think I'm a bit too intoxicated to be an impartial judge..." Lexa just shrugged, and kept staring down. The woman's smile only widened, though, and she shifted closer to Lexa.

"Not really the talking type, are you? Not even the dancing type, it seems. I don't recall you hitting the floor," she insisted. Lexa's gaze didn't shift from the glass in her hand.

"I'm just here to drink," she said, hoping to end the conversation. But the girl flashed her another grin.

"Yeah, aren't we all at first? Look, speaking of the devil..." Lexa glanced sideways and saw the bartender with the drink the blonde had ordered. She took it and went back to stare at Lexa. "What are you drinking anyway?"

Lexa lifted her now empty glass, not even knowing what to answer. She couldn't remember what she had ordered. When she had sat at the bar the type of drink had been the last of her worries.

"I'm not sure, actually..."

The girl giggled, as if she had said the funniest thing ever. "Wow, girl! It's really that bad?! What happened, ugly breakup?"

Lexa's first reaction was to freeze. But then, probably because of the absurd amount of alcohol in her system, she chuckled. _Ugly breakup_. Yes, maybe she should start calling what happened like that. It seemed way better than reality.

"So you do smile..." Finally Lexa turned again, to find that nosy girl smirking at her. Lexa licked her lower lip and shrugged again.

"I'm just... trying to forget. Escape..."

"Well, aren't you lucky? Nothing helps to forget more than getting drunk with a stranger who's more wasted than you! Here's to us." She poured half of her drink in Lexa's empty glass and clinked the glasses together. "Here's to Echo and..."

Lexa hesitated for a moment but her mind was blurry and her head was pounding, so she stopped overthinking it.

"Lexa," she revealed. Echo's grin widened more than Lexa thought possible, and her eyes twinkled.

"To Echo and Lexa. And screw all those fuckers who hurt us in the past. No sad thoughts tonight. No thoughts whatsoever!"

 _No thoughts whatsoever._ Lexa liked the sound of that. Exactly what she needed.

"Yeah... just two girls drinking together. Nothing more," she mumbled to herself. Her stare unconsciously moved from Echo's face, and she found herself eyeing the girl just met, studying her figure. That dress hugged her slim but muscular body perfectly, leaving little to imagination. Her breasts were basically begging to escape from the tight fabric. She was undeniably beautiful. Lexa didn't know whether she could blame the alcohol for this or not, but a tingling sensation developed in the pit of her belly, slowly spreading lower down her body.

"Nothing more? God, I certainly hope not..."

Lexa looked up again when she heard the words, to find Echo's face inches away from hers, her smile now different. Not gleeful anymore. Lustful. She stared at those lips, at those brown eyes. There was a maliciousness in her eyes, an aggressiveness, that Lexa had never seen in _her_ eyes. _He_ r eyes were always kind, even when filled with a hunger more intense than the one she could see in Echo's eyes now. No, there was no trace of kindness here. _Good_.

Maybe this would actually work...

* * *

Lexa fell on the bed on her back, but she didn't even have time to lift herself up that Echo was on her again. The blonde pushed her down and straddled her naked legs, now free of the tight jeans that had been thrown away somewhere in the room. Before she could even catch her breath, Echo captured her mouth with hers again, grabbing her from behind her neck to draw her even closer. There was nothing gentle about the kiss. About anything they were doing, actually, and it was perfect for Lexa. There was no time to breathe, no time to think, exactly like she wanted.

Echo's tongue slipped into her mouth, and the mix of the girl's taste and the alcohol in her breath left Lexa even headier than she already was. She felt the hand that was not tangled in her hair slide down her chest, and a moan escaped from her mouth when Echo squeezed her right breast, an intoxicating combination of pain and pleasure spreading from the sensitive flesh. She was finally able to breathe when Echo moved her mouth to start an assault on her jaw and neck. Every kiss was sloppy, wet, a mix of lips and tongue and teeth, and Lexa let herself get lost in the overwhelming feeling. At least until the hand that was not tangled in her hair moved from her breast to the top of her shirt. In the heat of the moment, it took her a couple of seconds to realize that Echo was unbuttoning her shirt. She became aware of what was happening only once the third button popped. When she realized that Echo was very close to exposing her, to reveal her marks, she decided to take control of the entire thing.

So, instead of stopping the girl, Lexa wrapped her legs around her torso and rolled both of them over. Echo let out a small gasp of surprise, before her cheeky smile came back.

"I guess now we know whether you like being a top or a bot- oh, fuck..." Lexa quickly silenced her by latching her mouth on her left nipple and sucking hard. Echo's dress had been the first thing to go when they had entered the apartment, and Lexa had been pleasantly surprised to find out the girl was not wearing a bra. Taking advantage of that, Lexa focused her attention on Echo's breasts. She kept tormenting the left one with her mouth, while her fingers travelled from the blonde's hip to pinch the other nipple, eliciting whimpers of pleasure from the girl.

She went on with her ministration until Echo was literally squirming under her. Only then she decided the girl was ready. She released the hardened nipple, and started trailing hard, fast kisses down Echo's chest and stomach and then even lower, until she arrived to the waistband of her underwear. The smell of the stranger's arousal hit her, clouding her senses, but she ignored the throbbing between her own legs to focus on the girl beneath her.

Lexa rapidly yanked the soaked panties down Echo's legs, baring her completely, and without waiting any longer, she pressed her lips against the girl's core. The reaction was immediate: Echo let out a gasp, and her entire body bucked at the sudden feeling. Lexa wasted no time teasing the blonde, and after lifting one of Echo's legs and placing it on her shoulder, she buried her face between her thighs. The brunette swiped up Echo's slit hard, using as much pressure as she could with her tongue, to bring the girl underneath her close to the edge as fast as possible. If Echo's cries were any indication, she was definitely succeeding. With each stroke of her tongue, the blonde's moans grew louder, and soon Lexa felt a hand tugging roughly at her hair, pushing her face further down. Her scalp hurt at the harshness of the grasp, but she did not care. It was better this way. Pain was all she was worthy of.

Soon Lexa's ministration became too much for Echo, and when she finally wrapped her lips around the throbbing nub and sucked, the girl's thighs clamped tightly around her head, muting every sound. A loud cry escaped from Echo's mouth as the orgasm rippled through her.

When finally she came down from her high, Echo released her grip from Lexa's hair, and her thighs fell open, freeing the brunette. For a few seconds she didn't move, too tired to do anything, Lexa's breathing against her too sensitive skin making her shudder. She recovered quickly, though, and a satisfied chuckle left her mouth.

"Wow, girl. You definitely don't waste time..." She propped herself up on her elbows and pulled Lexa close to her from between her legs for a crushing kiss. "My turn to make you scream, now."

She pressed her hand against Lexa's shoulder, wanting to make her lie down on her back, but Lexa promptly grabbed her wrist and stopped her.

"No..." she said, shaking her head, and Echo quirked her eyebrows.

"No?" she asked, confused. Lexa shifted on the bed, until her back was facing the naked girl, then she bent forward, getting on her hands and knees.

"Like this," she whispered, "Fuck me like this..." She didn't even need to turn her head to know that a racy smile had appeared on Echo's face.

"Well, well, well," Echo said, tugging Lexa's panties down her legs, exposing her. "You're a naughty girl, aren't you?"

 _No. I just want this to feel as impersonal as possible._ This is what she should have answered. Instead Lexa just nodded and wiggled, urging the girl to stop wasting time. Echo got the clue, and Lexa felt two fingers running up and down her core. At the sudden pleasure, a shaky breath escaped from her mouth, breath that turned into a gasp when the girl behind her suddenly pushed inside of her. Her eyes instinctively fluttered shut at the feeling, but she soon snapped them open again, when she realized that something was off. Echo was being gentle with her, her thrusts slow, to give her time to adjust.

And Lexa started feeling nauseous. It was wrong, it was all wrong. This was supposed to make her forget, and instead it was making her remember.

 _"God..." The moan simply tumbled from her throat when she felt a second finger sliding inside of her. Her eyes closed, as she gave in to the unbearable pleasure, and her trembling body sagged into the girl behind her. She was standing on the bed on her knees, but the only thing holding her up was a strong arm wrapped around her chest. Another whimper left her mouth when a thumb brushed softly against her right nipple. Hot breath tickled her ear, sending another wave of shudders down her spine._

 _"You're so beautiful, Lexa..."_

"Harder," she growled at Echo, desperate to drive away those images. She felt the blonde behind her speeding up her rhythm, but it still wasn't enough. Her mind kept anchoring her to her memory. "Harder..." she repeated between pants. Echo sped up even more and leaned forward, pressing her body against Lexa's still clothed back, to give more strength to her thrusts. Lexa felt pleasure building in her. Just like her desperation.

 _"It's too... I can't–"_

 _"Shhh..." Lexa whimpered again when the dark haired girl behind her teasingly ran her tongue across the curve beneath her ear, her fingers still doing wicked things to her, bringing her to heights she didn't believe possible._

 _"I've got you..."_

Lexa felt her eyes starting to burn.

"More..." she demanded, and she felt Echo halting her movements, to ease a third finger inside of her. Lexa shook her head and pushed back.

"Don't slow down," she hissed. "Keep going..."

"Babe, I could hurt–"

"Keep going!" Lexa all but screamed, and after a moment, Echo started moving again, her thrusts twice as hard. The blonde was right. It hurt. Her body wasn't ready for that kind of strain, and Lexa started feeling an increasing pain spreading in her lower body. She bit her lower lip, trying to keep quiet. It was what she wanted. Something as far from her memories as possible, and if she had to suffer to get it, so be it.

Together with the discomfort she was experiencing though, the intense stimulation caused her pleasure to unavoidably build more and more. Echo's movements made her climb higher and higher, until she was shaking. She waited for the moment of pure oblivion, begging for even just a second of freedom from her inner demons. But it was all in vain. Because in the exact moment she reached the point of no return, her mind was once again flooded with the images she desperately wanted to forget.

 _Lexa forgot how to breathe when fingers curled inside of her. She instinctively reached behind her to entangle her hand in the girl's hair, desperately needing something to anchor herself. She turned her head to stare at her and green met brown, one losing itself into the other. Every part of her body was being consumed by waves of pleasure, and she was sure she couldn't possibly feel more than this, when the arm holding her up slid lower down her torso. When Lexa felt a finger on her throbbing bundle of nerves, every nerve ending was alight with fire and she just shattered. Her strangled scream was captured and stolen by soft lips and a hot mouth. The same mouth that whispered against her skin while she was still writhing in ecstasy._

 _"I love you, Lexa..."_

One last hard thrust made Lexa fall over the edge, and unable to hold herself up on her arms anymore, she collapsed face forward on the bed. She pressed her forehead into the pillow, trying to catch her breath, as the shaking in her body started calming down.

As any other time she had done this, once the pleasure subsided all that remained was the familiar numbness and the discomfort between her legs. She was empty, horribly empty, and her heart ached terribly with its heaviness. She was an idiot. She had only made things worse. And now all she felt was disgust at herself.

"Damn, girl..." Lexa felt Echo collapsing next to her in the bed, but she didn't move. "You really are fucked up..."

The brunette squeezed her eyes shut, and a single tear escaped to run down her cheek. Echo was right, she was fucked up. But she was so much more than that.

She was broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the wonderful response I got for the first chapter, I'm really grateful! Here is the second one, I hope you like it as much as the first one. If you do, or don't, simply if you read it, please leave a review. I love hearing your opinion, and comments can help me improve my writing.**

 **Thanks again, enjoy and review**

Lexa tiptoed her way inside the apartment, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was dark inside, the early morning light just starting to seep through the curtains. She dropped her helmet and her jacket on a chair and silently headed towards her room. She was walking past the kitchen when she heard her.

"Welcome back."

Lexa froze in her tracks, and her eyes closed at the sound of the low voice. How could she even think she would manage to sneak in unnoticed? _Of course_ she was waiting her up. Knowing it would be useless to try to avoid it, Lexa simply pursed her lips and turned around, entering the kitchen. She turned the lights on and had to squint her eyes, the sudden brightness making her head pound painfully.

"Thank you for showing up at such a decent hour. Really, next time come back even later. Live a little, am I right?" Lexa just glared at the woman sitting very stiffly, holding the piercing stare of those feline eyes. She really wasn't in the right mood to bear her sarcastic comments.

"Really funny, Anya. Your sense of humor improves day after day."

"There is nothing funny about this, Alexandria," Anya said harshly. It was then that Lexa knew how serious the situation was. She had used her full name: Anya was the only person to do it, and only when she was extremely upset. "I've waited for you the entire night, without a single clue of where you were."

"I did not ask you to wait," Lexa simply replied, and she saw a flash of anger sparkling in the woman with dirty blonde hair. Anya stood up from the chair next to the kitchen table, and advanced slowly towards her. Anyone else would have found her menacing to say the least, but Lexa had known her for too long to feel scared by her.

"You are not an idiot, kid, so don't say things only an idiot would say. No one needed to ask me anything." Lexa glanced away, suddenly feeling uncomfortable at staring into the eyes of the woman who used to be her mentor.

"Well, I'm here now. And I'm fine, so you didn't need to worry." She turned around to head to her room, when a strong hand grabbed her wrist, stopping her from leaving.

"You disappeared for hours, Lexa. I called you seventeen times. Not once, not twice. Seventeen. You don't get to walk away now. We _are having_ this conversation," Anya said, with a tone that left no room for discussion. Lexa clenched her jaw but didn't fight the woman. She didn't try to leave again when Anya released her.

"Where have you been?"

"Out..." she replied at first. When Anya raised one of her eyebrows, though, she understood that the blonde would not take any attitude, so she let out a sigh and tried to humor her.

"I just drove around... I needed to clear my head after that meeting with the shrink. Oh, thanks for the ambush, by the way." She couldn't stop herself.

"It wasn't an ambush. You had already seen all the psychologists I know, and this one was recommended to me by Nyko. He said she was really helpful with Artigas while he was going through a rough time." Lexa remembered. She remembered when the Medical Examiner had come to her and Anya to vent out about his nephew being bullied at school. It seemed a lifetime ago when they would cooperate on any sort of case. "But you never give a chance to anyone," Anya pressed her.

"I gave her a chance. I gave _you_ a chance. I feel better, but you were worried, so I did as you asked and went there. Only to find out you had told that stranger everything about–" she stopped right before saying _her_ name, biting the inside of her cheek so hard that she tasted blood. For a moment a thick silence fell between the two, as Lexa struggled to keep it together.

"I was feeling better..." she finally said with raspy voice. "I didn't need that ambush."

Anya was not one to let go so easily, though. "You say you feel better but your actions say the opposite." Lexa looked up to the sky and shook her head, knowing the discussion would not end soon. She pushed her way past Anya and went to the fridge, taking out the water pitcher to pour herself a glass. Anya was right behind her.

"You came back with bruises on your face not even a week ago. You walk around like a zombie, and that's only when I actually see you. You disappear all the time, I never know where you go..."

Lexa turned to face the older woman, a hard look on her face. "You are not my mother. I don't have to answer to you."

"Don't you _dare_ pull this crap on me." The growl that came out of Anya's mouth almost made Lexa take a step back. "I might not be your mother, but I raised you. I took care of you when your life was a complete wreck, and I never asked for recognition, but I will _not_ stand here and let you treat me like this. You owe me some respect." Lexa tried to hold her stare, but having her past thrown in her face was making it increasingly harder.

"Look at yourself, Lexa... You look worse than the first time we met, and that's saying something." Lexa looked away, suddenly feeling self conscious about her appearance. She knew the weight of Anya's words: she still remembered sitting handcuffed to a chair in a police station, her lower lip bleeding after the wrestle with the shopkeeper she had tried to steal money from, dirty beyond description after three weeks living on the streets, thinking that prison was a better alternative to going back to her foster home. Yes, she was feeling very self conscious right now.

"You're a mess," Anya went on. "You're a mess and you reek. You reek of booze... and sex. I don't know what the hell you did last night but–" She suddenly stopped talking, and Lexa glanced back at her, trying to figure out why the woman had gotten quiet.

"You said you drove around," Anya said slowly, "and now you come back in these conditions. Lexa, did you take the bike while you were–"

"Oh please, stop it!" Lexa cut her off, knowing exactly what she was getting at. "I didn't drive drunk, ok? I– the girl I was with... she lived nearby the club where we met. We got there on foot, I slept there and I took the bike this morning, alright? I was a damn cop. Do you really think I would drive around intoxicated?"

Anya held her stare, but her eyes, so penetrating until one moment ago, suddenly softened. No one would have noticed the subtle change, but Lexa knew her more than anyone else.

"No, you wouldn't. Or at least, the Lexa I know wouldn't, but you are so far away from her right now..." The blonde let out a sigh. A small puff of breath that still managed to convey all the sadness she was feeling but would never express through words. "You are going through a rough time, yes, but you can still get back on your feet. You have that strength in you. You can still be that Lexa."

Lexa blinked hard, trying to keep her emotions at bay. But she could do nothing for the slight quiver in her voice. "You know that I can't... Not after–" She swallowed back the words.

"It wasn't your fault," Anya whispered.

Lexa's side suddenly started pulsating painfully and her face scrunched up in a frown, in a desperate attempt at fighting the pain and the memories.

 _"Look at her, Woods. Look at her very closely and remember, detective, this is all your doing."_

"Yes, it was," Lexa whispered, her voice empty of any emotion. "And this is who I am now. So if you're disgusted by me, just walk away." Her walls were back up, shielding her from everything and everyone, but also entrapping her heart and soul in a cage of steel. She saw the effect her words had on Anya written on her face. The clenching of her jaw, the hint of hurt in her eyes.

"You know what?" Anya said straightening up, the softness of moments ago now gone. "One day I just might. For now, though, you are stuck with me. Just like I am stuck with you."

She sized her up one last time, and without another word walked out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Lexa asked, following her in the living room.

"Work," Anya answered without even turning to look at her. "I'd rather be there two hours earlier than spending the morning fighting with you." She slipped into her leather jacket and grabbed the keys of her car. "And speaking of work, Luna called. She tried to contact you yesterday but you were unavailable..." Lexa didn't miss the mockery in Anya's voice. "Anyways, she said she moved your shift to tomorrow, so you actually have the entire day to pull yourself together."

One good news, finally. Lexa was still dizzy and her head hurt like hell, so knowing that she wouldn't have to spent hours in a coffee shop dealing with rude costumers was actually a relief. Luna was the nicest boss she could have asked for, but Lexa hated that job. And yet she still had to bring money home. The alternative was going back to the PD, and she had no intention of doing that.

"Do whatever the hell you want, Lexa." The blonde's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "My suggestion is that you take a shower first, but you are free to go around smelling like a brothel."

Lexa tightened her fists at the harshness of Anya's words. The older woman was not one to pull any punches, and what was even more annoying, she was right.

"I'll come back tonight. Hopefully by the time I'm home you will have stopped acting like an asshole."

Lexa opened her mouth to reply to the snarky comment but Anya didn't give her time. Before Lexa could say anything, she was already out of the apartment.

Once she was alone, Lexa replayed their entire conversation in her head, and an unpleasant heaviness settled in her chest. She loathed fighting with Anya. She was her family, and getting into a fight with her would always leave Lexa with a bad taste in her mouth. The fact that Anya won most of their arguments only made things worse. It had always been like this, since she was younger. She would never let Lexa get away with anything, she would never allow weakness or surrender, not when she was her mentor in the PD, not now. After what had happened she had stayed next to her all the time and had given her time to grief, but not once she had told her that it was okay to give up. She had always tried to help her recover, she was still trying.

So now, in the thick silence of her home, every word they had exchanged held much more weight and importance. And above all her dizziness and pain and anger, Lexa knew Anya was right. She was acting like an asshole. Her suffering didn't give her the right to treat the older woman, the woman she owed everything to, so badly.

She passed a hand on her face and sighed heavily, feeling even worse than before. She dragged herself to the bathroom, set on following Anya's advice. It was for the best, since she could basically smell herself, and hot water streaming down her body seemed an inviting idea anyway. She quickly got rid of her clothes, but before she could hop into the shower, she caught a glimpse of her reflection into the mirror.

She went still, staring at the marks that marred her body, especially the round hole on her right side. She knew what she felt was just an illusion, a memory, but sometimes the burning pain was still there, the ghost of a scorching agony spreading from there across her chest, cutting off her breath. It was less frequent now, but it still refused to go away, hitting her like a sucker punch when _she_ was mentioned. _Phantom pain. It's psychological._ That's what the doctors would say all the time, and Lexa believed them. But it didn't make it any less real.

Her gaze travelled up until she found herself staring into her own eyes. They were so hollow, empty, like someone had sucked all the life away from them, leaving only a profound sadness.

 _"Don't be ridiculous," Lexa said, slipping her left foot inside the boot. "How can you even say you don't like your eyes?"_

 _"Well, they're brown," the dark haired girl replied, staring at herself in the mirror with a frown on her face. "Brown is ordinary, dull. Not like yours. I mean, they go from green to grey to turquoise, always so intense and lively." She let out an annoyed puff and turned to look at the detective, now fully dressed for work. "Seriously, Lexa. Screw your genes. It's not fair on the rest of the world."_

 _Lexa shook her head and let out a small chuckle at her girlfriend's absurdities._

 _"Come on, all eyes are beautiful in their own way. And I happen to love yours very much."_

 _The girl with everything but ordinary eyes folded her arms across her chest and raised one eyebrow. "It's easy to talk when you have two freaking emeralds instead of eyes. And you only say that because I'm your girlfriend." she replied. Lexa couldn't help but think how adorable she looked when she was annoyed. The detective licked her lower lip and got up from the bed._

 _"Ok, what can I do to make you believe I'm being honest?"_

 _"Well," the other pretended to think about it very seriously for a few seconds. "You could try to convince me. Let's test your persuasion skills. You use them at work with the thugs you arrest everyday, convincing me that you have a good reason to like my eyes should not be difficult, detective…"_

 _"I said love, not like," Lexa started, "and this is different…" she mumbled, suddenly feeling a flush spreading over her face. "You know I'm not good with words."_

 _The other just shrugged. "Try," she challenged her, and Lexa glared at her, only to receive a huge grin in return._

 _"Can't we do this another day? I'm gonna be late for work."_

 _"Then do what I asked," she flashed her beautiful smile at Lexa again._

 _When Lexa still kept silent, the smile on the other girl's face twisted into a pout, and her eyebrows scrunched up in a frown. Lexa knew she was only playing, but she also knew how stubborn her girlfriend could be, and she would not get out of this unless she complied. So she passed a hand in her hair, racking her brains to find the right thing to say. In the end, she opted for simply saying how she felt. No excessive thinking._

 _"They are not dull at all. They are..." she paused, trying to find the right words. "They're warm, and vivid. They are hot chocolate speckled with gold. They never look the same: sometimes they are so dark, almost black, and then the sunlight hits them and they change to pure honey." As she kept talking, Lexa saw the frown slowly disappear, and those beautiful eyes she was describing softened and sparkled. Lexa's heart swell at the sight. She must be saying something right if that's the reaction she was getting. She got closer, and reached up to cup the girl's face, her thumb gently caressing the olive skin._

 _"And my eyes are lively because I wake up in the morning and I get to stare into yours. Because your eyes always shine, even when you are sad. It's like nothing can turn that light off. It's the life in your eyes that nourishes mine..."_

 _They just stood there for a few seconds, not even breathing, and for a moment Lexa saw the impact her words had had written all over the girl's face. How that silly game had turned unexpectedly into something much more intimate. But then Lexa saw her features twist into a cheeky expression, and a wide smile appeared on her face._

 _"Nourishes?"_

 _Lexa chuckled. "Too much?" The other girl shook her head._

 _"It was the corniest and sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. How was it? 'My eyes are lively because I get to stare into yours...' Oh, my poetess," she mocked her, launching in an exaggerated imitation. "Thou art more lovely and more temperate than a summer's day..."_

 _"And thou art a jackass, you know that?" Lexa replied, making the other laugh loudly. She loved that sound. God, she could listen to her laughing for hours. And when she leaned forward into a messy kiss, that laugh reverberated through her own mouth and her body, and Lexa wondered what on Earth she had done to deserve this happiness._

Lexa had to look away, the contrast with her memory too much to bear. Thoughts that once used to give her joy did nothing but haunting her now. She got in the shower and turned it on, moving the mixer faucet all the way to hot. When the spray hit her she involuntarily shuddered, but she quickly closed her eyes, reveling in the feeling of the hot water warming her body up and cleaning her. She stood under the jet for what seemed like hours, thinking over and over again about Anya's words. The woman was right. She couldn't go on like this. She was wearing away, without doing anything to fight it, and she was ashamed of herself. Her life philosophy had always been 'Don't give up. Fight back.' and she was doing the exact opposite.

But how could it be otherwise? How could she go back to being herself when she couldn't even stare into the mirror without thinking about _her_? How could she when everything reminded her of a life that she couldn't have back? How could she feel whole again when the person she loved more than anything on the planet was gone because of her?


End file.
